That Little Love Live Again
What do we mean to each otherAm i friend, am i lover or is it over now?
If this is it then why bother
Tell me where do we take it from here?
What do we mean to each other
Am i friend, am i lover or is it over now?
Do you love me still
Or do you just mean well?
Last night i called Citra. She is my friend in KKN a few years ago and we find ourself heading in love for each other in the end.
At the time, she had a bf named Andre. So it’s all so clear that me and her having an affair in those old days, and i guess Andre figured out also but i don’t know why he keep remaining silent.
It was wrong, i know. But it was beautiful also. I mean, it’s not about the affair. Never in my faintest mind i will have it. But how you found someone that you really love so bad that you could pour all your heart into, and in the other side she also understand that she was loved and do the same way too. She was so easy to love. She’s is beautifully loveable.
I held my breath many times when i write this post. I realized now, after being a long time, maybe she is the only person which i can talk from the heart. Just like last night when i called her. Normally, when you call someone that you haven’t see for a years it must be goes like uh.. umm... so... . But this is Citra, you don’t need a plenty big time to live all those beautiful memories outside the box, she just know, she will lies there and understand. You just found her the way you left her few years ago.
So it’s about 5-10 minutes when we reach the main conversation. I ask her about her family, her, and whether she still with Andre. As for all this time Citra’s family was never agreed to their relationship because both of them have a different religion. Andre was a moslem as Citra was a Christian.
I got plus answer more than just “yes, i’m still with him”, but it’s like “yes, we’re getting married”. Glek, is this sor kind of news that you’re waiting for a year from someone that you ever loved in the past or even you still love till now? :p.
I told her then jokingly “See Cit, the ironic thing about all this is, i still love you, i remembered why i love you, and maybe i had a chance again to love you more. But now, you tearin up my heart apart”. Then she laugh and said “See Tih, the ironic thing in me is, now i’m about to married to a guy that not understand me, always had a plent fight all the time, disagreed by my parents and his parents doesn’t even know that i was a Christian. And now, i found you again, the one that could understand me all the time, the way i am, with my whole life, and you told me that you loved me. It’s ironic and sad cause i didn’t expect i will hear it from you because i knew that i still love you too”.
It was surprising for me since i never knew that she still had the same feeling for me. It is a truly happiness to found someone that you used to love (or maybe still) a couple of years ago and still keep those feeling neatly for you. Even last night, when we talk to each other on the phone, i can still feel her like two years ago, unchanged, just like the lady i used to know and i used to love. I could still talk to her from the heart and convey our soul honesty with our unperfections and went understanding to each other.
When i with her, i could just lay down as me, as just me. So does she, as she said. We could went together release all those counterfeit and burden. It just went naturally, unconditionally.
And so, back to Andre and the wedding. They will held it next January. As Citra’s parents never agreed about their relationship, once she ever committing suicide over this problems as she told me 2 years ago. That time, i said to her “Just remember, suicide is not an option, it's actually an option, but it doesn’t sound like an option”. Suicide it’s not the answer to your problems, and it will never be”. I believe if you commiting suicide, you make a statement that you don’t trust the one who loves you (friends, family), and the worst part is you’re telling God that you doesn’t trust Him either.
And then last night, she told me that she’s commiting suicide again :(
This time, i do pray for her. For may God gave all the best for her, and show her the correct way, for may God always show her the correct way. For may God gave her strength in life. For may he finally found the true happiness. For may all the things that she fighting for now will be worthwhile someday.
“You’re an unbelievable woman” i said. “I barely nothing compared to you. I’m just a little kid in the ripples of life. But you... you are someone that dares to face a life and fight for something that you believe into. You’re unbelievable”.
In the end of the conversation, i told her that i really miss to talk with someone this way, and i don’t know when i will made it again. I don’t know if tomorrow she's still available for me, or she's still be there like the way i know her yesterday. I don’t know. It might be the last phonecall which i know her as my o’ld Citra, and maybe only with her, i could have such conversation like this, i never think for someone else. I was to scared to imagine. It breaks my heart.
So let me cherish our memories, our last night conversations, our stories. I’ll keep it down here, safe and sound. You will be there dear, cause nothing gonna replace yours in mine. You will always live there in my heart.
Like all true love supposed to be...
posted by fatih @ 4:29 PM
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